I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
