I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
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