Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
