So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Pants are for mortals
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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