i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I want a musical about memes.
You are a genius and a whore.
Randomize
