Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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