if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Randomize
