I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
