Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Randomize
