I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize