you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize