This is not my ceiling
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize