the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
