Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
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