Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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