I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Randomize
