i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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