Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
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