if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
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