I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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