I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
