in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Randomize
