I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
third nipple confirmed
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
