I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
