i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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