She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Randomize
