Swine flu. Run for my life!
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Randomize