I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
