finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
She needs sedatives and a leash
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
