Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
