I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
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