I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
It was like giving head to a cactus.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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