Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Randomize
