Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
We named our party play list daddy issues
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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