I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
