he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
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