Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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