if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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