Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
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