Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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