where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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