please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Randomize
