it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
