Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
