You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
