Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
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