i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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