It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Randomize
