I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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