the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
