Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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