I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
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