EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize