We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
