I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
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