Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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