All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
She said her name was "party"
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
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