"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
