I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
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