I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
