Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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