I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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